Actual Water Slide Disciples Used for Baptisms Found!
Jerusalem, Israel — Earlier today, archaeologist Dr. Ryan Haugen and his team unearthed a huge piece of Biblical History. The revelation of it all is not just groundbreaking for archaeology (no pun intended), but for children’s pastors all across the world.
“What we appear to have found,” stated Dr. Haugen, “is, as described in the book of Acts, the original water slide the first children’s pastors of the early church used to perform baptisms for small children.”
Yes, you read that right. Does it matter that Dr. Haugen has obviously never read the book of Acts? “No, it doesn’t!” he insists, “Thousands of kids pastors across the United States insist on using water slides and slime machines and other such gimmicks to draw in the children and preach the news of Jesus, and it only makes sense that the original disciples must have used such things.”
Dr. Haugen, you may remember, made the news in 2015 for finding the original billiards table that, he claims, Jesus must have played pool on for the very first youth group.
More updates to come.
Reporter: Crass Christian