American Christians venerate US flag to Saint status

Christians of all stripes (no pun intended) in America can finally breathe a sigh of relief as Evangelical leaders from across the country unanimously voted to venerate our nation’s US flag to the status of Sainthood.

This will be the first time in living memory that an inanimate object has been given such a title!

Similar ancient examples of lifeless objects being recognized to the status of deity can be compared to the Eagle of the Roman Empire (where the state and religion were one and the same).

“The title of saint is not an honor given out superficially,” commented Liberty University’s President Jerry Falwell Jr. “There must be 3 confirmed miracles by the person or object in consideration.”

“In the case of our nation’s flag, we have indeed established such a president. Scripture prophetically indicates that during the end of days: ‘every knee shall bend’,” Falwell continued on by saying: “The fulfilment of this scriptural event was seen by many during the majority of last year’s NFL pregame shows where our Football athletes took to bended knee in recognition of our national symbol.”

Although there was much discussion and debate concerning this prophetic event and its significance, another point of deliberation focused on the ability for the flag to heal the human heart in times of distress.

Many patriotic Americans reported feeling the spirit of patriotism take over as they sang our nations anthem in conjunction with our attention being undivided and directed at the flag itself.

This among many other evidential claims of healing (emotional or otherwise) gave the flag the much needed evangelical support to be adopted as a Saint.

“There hasn’t been this much excitement since the Pope bestowed sainthood on Stan Lee,” said someone whose only purpose was to link this article to another article on our website.

The status of Saint will be bestowed upon the US flag on July 4th 2020 along with the honors and abilities the office provides.

Its primary function will be to act as a mediator between (naturalized) American Citizens and God through the act of prayer or thoughts.

Reporter: Tuthmosis