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Christian Dating Site Lowers Bar, Accepts You Just as You Are

Church Life

Between kissing dating goodbye, courting the Amish, or–in rare, isolated cases–working out and eating right in an attempt to snag someone better looking than themselves, Christians have long been divided on the best method to find someone to be fruitful and multiply with.

Binging on Netflix and junk food while praying for someone hot and holy to knock on the door has consistently been a popular strategy, so today we at Salty Cee unveil our new dating website, waitingforGodtobringmemyprinceorprincess.com. This will replace our dating app, BennyHinndidnotHealMesoIneedSomeonewithaComplimentarydisease.com.

Our previous foray into the dating world allowed gluten-free Christians to pair up with wheat lovers (someone has to sow the seed and eat those complimentary dinner rolls), diabetics with the nutritionally deficient (that fruitcake from someone at church who doesn’t love you isn’t going to eat itself), and Crossfit fanatics to find someone sedentary who wouldn’t hog the weights, rope, and pull-up bar.

We realize that millions of app users may resist the change, but our app brought in so much money/filthy lucre that we were in danger of losing our moral compass.

Ok, so what really happened is that attractive Christians on dialysis and transplant lists needed a little help to find dates who enjoyed long walks on the beach and donating one of their fully-functioning kidneys.

More Silk Road than Romans Road–who knew organ transplants were so lucrative, especially for hearts with our Savior already residing inside?

We would like to assure our clients that complimentary electric scooter rental is still a vital service for those who need them.

All that time praying on your knees or on the couch for that special someone can make it difficult to walk outside and find someone.

For those who would disagree, remember Isaac, who lived with Mom and Dad until he was 40 and Eliezer came home with a bride for him. Another example is the disciple Phillip, who used teleportation and chariots rather than trudging around the desert looking for an Ethiopian.

Of course, besides a strict policy against organ and tissue harvesting, the new site offers exciting new features. The discreet social media add-ons allow for honesty while searching for possible matches without alerting church prayer chains or resorting to awkward conversations about green bean casseroles at the next singles potluck.

We all know Aunt Carol and your second cousin—the one with the lazy eye whom the cops arrested last year for setting a cat on fire—bring pasta salad every time anyway.

Just so you know, we have lowered the bar far enough that both of them are on our site. Because waitingforGodtobringmyprinceorprincess.com caters especially to inactive and stagnant believers, full Skype integration and Excel spreadsheets with red flag alerts ensure that actual dates (sitting together on the porch swing as two sets of parents watch doesn’t count) only occur after a rigorous sanctification and tribulation process.

Reporter: Dripping Ether

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