Church with Full Children’s Ministry Volunteer Roster Suspected of Witchcraft

 Congregations of Columbus Concerned for Children’s Care (CCCCC) is a group of Ohio churches in the metro area who have put aside doctrinal differences to band together and raise the alarm against Millers Bible Church. They contend the church’s children’s ministry cannot have adequately staffed its Sunday classrooms by any natural means.

“I’ve been fillin’ Dixie Cups with Goldfish a long time in this town, and I can assure you – somethin’ funny’s going on over there,” said First Baptist volunteer, Ann Murphy. “Those rosters don’t just fill. I haven’t had a Sunday off in 11 years.”

The CCCCC convened last Wednesday evening to assemble a list of potential causes for what they are calling a “manifestation.”

List of possible explanations includes:

• Harry Potter movies being shown
• Amy Grant post-“Baby Baby”-era CD’s being played in classrooms
• Democrats

The CCCCC is producing refrigerator magnets to remind congregants of those churches to prayerfully “be on guard” and “pull down strongholds” associated with the Millers Bible Church Children’s Ministry.

When The Salty Cee asked a group representative if any of them had been in touch directly with Millers Bible to ask questions, they reminded us of what happened to Adam and Eve: “If it looks like a snake, talks like a snake, and finds enough volunteers so that each worker gets to sit through the sermon twice a month…well, you get the idea.”

Reporter: Brian Harvey