David Crowder Beard key to helping underground church

The David Crowder Beard has been much admired as an epitome of manliness and a goal of every Calvinist hipster, but today we have discovered how much further this beard has travelled in protecting and defending the weak.

We caught up with David Crowder’s beard, Boris, after he got back from a recent undercover trip to China.

“The Chinese President, Xi Jinping, began a crackdown on unregistered churches to bring Christianity under the control of China’s communist party.  After seeing the closure of Early Rain Covenant Church and the arrest of its pastor and 20% of its congregation I knew I had to do something.”

The beard pauses before continuing, “I got David to bring me to China on the first plane we could find to see what we could do.  At first, it was simple things like carrying hidden notes between believers and smuggling bibles through customs, but over time we realised that with my current rate of growth we could do so much more.”

David interrupts Boris, “We scheduled a visit with one of the imprisoned Christian pastors this year and Boris sneaked in food and medicines but then we saw how small the pastor was and an idea formed.”

Boris picks up the story, “When the guards were distracted by fellow prisoners we sneaked the pastor into the beard and quietly made our way to the exit.”

Our reporter’s beardless face hung slack-jawed in disbelief.

“Straight-up.  We got through the body search no problems and delivered him to the underground church later that same day.”

Without a doubt Boris the David Crowder beard is a hero and any man would be proud to wear him on their face.

Reporter: John Spencer aka Not the Bible