Fishers of Men Dating App Unveils Holiday Boyfriend Plan
Due to legal issues with BennyHinnDidNotHealMeSoINeedSomeoneWithAComplementaryDisease.com, Salty Cee released “Waiting for God to Bring me my Prince or Princess” as a dating app over the summer. Even Joshua Harris’s “Kissing Dating Goodbye Goodbye Tour”* (not yet trademarked, but should be) can’t put a damper on app’s popularity. Plus, mediocre to middling catches no longer feel that nagging inkling of being catfished** because their kidneys are compatible or they possess relatively fresh myocardium. Gorgeous tans from Bermuda and yellow jaundice from liver failure do look similar if users apply the correct Instagram filter, after all. (It’s Mayfair).
New changes to the app store have led users to accidentally download “Waiting for God to Bring me my Prius”, which is a completely different app targeting environmentally conscious believers in Appalachia with gas guzzlers up on blocks in the front yard.
That’s why we present Salty Cee’s dating app 3.0: “Fishers of Men.”
We are always culturally sensitive at Salty Cee and don’t want to incur some sort of Shechem incident over a misunderstanding. We’ve even discarded the Ruth, Esther, and most notably Tamar*** dating models planned for inclusion in the tutorial.
So, how does the app work?
Men are not allowed to fish or possess a rod, net, or spear gun on the app; they must simply hope to be reeled in.
Of course, users of “Waiting for God to Bring me my Prince or Princess” swim around aimlessly anyway, so the change is minimal.
Because Salty Cee readers may object to the blatant sexism of creating a dating app just for women, we plan to reformulate Promise Keepers as a complementary app—it’s such a good name, and should help keep ghosting**** to a minimum.
The addition of the Holiday Boyfriend feature provides a limited time only frenzy to propel app users off their couches and onto terrible date ideas.
Caroling in freezing temperatures and watching nervous children in bathrobes mess up their lines in Christmas cantatas come to mind. To clarify last year’s debacle, King Herod did not kill the baby Jesus in Bethlehem. The Holy Family scaled the papier-mâché wall and fled to Egypt.
Fleeing is expected at some point, but in case 50% of the dating couple wants to continue the relationship past January 1st, our patented “Cast into the Sea” algorithm separates their social media connections as far as the east is from the west.
Originally, we planned to launch Fishers of Men with the Holiday Boyfriend option in time for hayrides and apple picking and matching Halloween costumes.
Data from our previous Christian dating apps show that theological stumbling blocks typically tear these relationships apart before the one month anniversary.
It’s all fun and games until one person wants to involve tongues and the other is a cessationist.
Furthermore, pointed questions at Thanksgiving pale to the ordeal of driving around rich neighborhoods looking at Christmas lights or watching terrible holiday movies by yourself.
This Christmas, stop fishing for compliments—that’s a terrible sweater—and fish for a man!
Reporter: Dripping Ether
*Apparently, courting the first person you find and marrying them makes it difficult to notice if they’re psychotic until they chop down a door with an ax.
**If Peter opened a fish’s mouth expecting to find two coins for the temple tax, but instead pulled out an expired car wash coupon, he would have felt “catfished.”
***Sneaking into his bed, taking a literal year to get ready, or pretending to be a prostitute instead of his daughter-in-law is so 2017.
****Let’s say the Holy Ghost promised to show up for the 120 in the upper room, but slipped out a back corridor and never showed or bothered to message back later to explain himself—that’s “ghosting.”