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Hipster Beards Fall out as Pastor Preaches from KJV

Church Life

 MERCER ISLAND, WA—The janitor at Serenity Life Center worked overtime this week to clean up the mess from Sunday’s sermon.

The service began as usual at 9 am, with the congregation settling comfortably in their seats. Despite the padded folding chairs, this often presented a challenge due to the mug of gourmet coffee each member sipped on contemplatively during the sermon, and the Spanx-like skinny jeans adorning 30% of the congregation at any given time.

The first part of the service was uneventful, with polished video announcements followed by the offering plate passed around during polished remarks about the blessings of God exclusively reserved for generous givers. Parishioners continued to cradle their lattes with one hand and worship with the other as the song leader led the church into a rousing chorus. The pitch was too high for the 70% not clad in skinny jeans, but it probably didn’t matter as the song was only known by those currently occupying the stage.

Following two slow songs complemented by the fog machine but surprisingly no vaping, Pastor Brandon leaned over the plexiglass pulpit and broke the news.

“I know we usually project the Scripture reading on the wall so you don’t have to do anything crazy like open a Bible app on your phone and follow along while I preach. I forgot to charge my iPad last night, so instead, I’ll be reading from a physical, old-fashioned King James Version Bible that requires manual page turns. I realize that there may be unseen consequences as my action has not been vetted by the tech and media team for relevance and overall hipness.”

Other than an excited titter from the geriatric section, there was complete, shocked silence only broken when the first well-manicured beard crawled off the bespectacled face of its owner.

One by one, hipster beard follicles landed on the plush church carpeting with an audible thud, like a warren of rabbits falling off a table.

Even ironic beards slowly disappeared, one hair at a time, as their owners frantically tried to stave off the carnage with The Message, The Passion Translation, or another version of the Bible retro or modern enough to be accepted as trendy and appreciated.

At press time, several churchgoers reported that tattoos of pithy sayings in Greek or Hebrew letters had vanished at the first “Thou” and “Ye.” 

However, the pastor of the first Baptist church across the street had this warning:

“Today the modern generation encountered the power of the TRUE word of God that can bring even beards into submission.  Let this be a lesson to the pretender translations that they tamper with God’s Holy Word at their own peril!”

Reporter: Dripping Ether

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