How to run a perfect church

Hello dear readers, I want to thank the Salty Cee for agreeing to print my editorial.

I cannot wait to educate you all and help you follow my example of running a church perfectly. Now some may say a perfect church is one which carries on regardless, leading to Vine Church rapture proofing their services.

However, I believe that a perfect environment is where there are no problems whatsoever and therefore that means that we are experiencing the unity of Christ within our body of believers. 

I have been a lead pastor for five years now and have used the following five steps to successfully create such a congregation.

Step one

Never hire someone who is well-educated in theology. Keep with conventional wisdom: these individuals to be too difficult to control and may voice different opinions to the Pastor and that just leads to church division.  Better yet, ensure that potential applicants to join your congregation score highly on the pysch evaluation of being easily led by whoever’s in charge or speak a different language.

Step two

Keep meeting even if you do not have a worship band. Worship leaders are the butt of too many jokes and often cause controversy, by not having one you will easily avoid the appearance of evil as the Bible says. Currently my worship service is a CD/Cassette player and my wife singing into a microphone, so far we haven’t had any complaints.

Step three

Assume that everyone is doing fine. Most of the people who attend your church will be Christians anyway, and a Christian hasn’t said they are feeling otherwise since the days of the Apostle Paul. Don’t worry about anyone, if they say they’re fine then they’re fine – probing further just makes people uncomfortable.

Step four

Serve bland coffee and sometimes donuts. Everyone likes food after all, and no one will notice that even the church leaders refuse to drink that terrible, sometimes decaf coffee.

Remember that if you serve stuff that’s too nice you can attract unwanted attention from undesirables.

Step five

Don’t adapt to your community but let them adjust to you. For example, my community prefers dramatic sermons with fast music and they speak both Spanish and English. Have I lowered myself to level of these Philistines? Certainly not! I will do things my way and soon enough, my congregation will be refined from five to four people who live in harmony with each other just as Christ wanted.

In his grip,

– Pastor Elmo Noneau

Reporter: The lonely rogue