Lord’s Prayer Gets a (Much Needed) Update
After extensive study on the actual prayer forms of today’s disciples, HERETIC has published the following modern translation of Luke 11 in line with their evidence:
One of his disciples said to him, “Lord, teach us to pray, as John also taught his disciples.
”And Jesus said to them, “When you pray, say, ‘Dear God,’ – you know, like you’re writing Him a formal letter. Then proceed with a, ‘thank you for this day,’ to show your appreciation and kind of grease the tracks. He likes that, and it makes Him much more inclined to hear the rest. After this, feel free to launch into any number of ‘Please help [so and so] with [such and such].’ If you happen to be sharing private information about people, don’t worry about it! As long as you’re praying, it’s allowed. Oh, and be sure to use the word ‘just’ like it’s going out of style. That helps God and everyone else know you really mean it.
I guess that’s about it. Put a bow on it by saying, “In Your name we pray. Amen.”
One of his disciples replied, “Wait – who is the ‘Your’ referring to in that case? Is it Him or You?”
Jesus replied, “Well, either way, we’ll make sure it gets where it needs to go.”
Churches have responded very positively to the new translation. “It’s a huge improvement that hits more where our people are really at,” John Clemons, pastor of Goodwill Bible, told The Salty Cee. “The old one spent a whole lot of real estate on God Himself, and, frankly, bringing up the topic of sin or ‘trespasses’ all the time was a turn-off for congregants.”
Updates to the traditional musical renditions of The Lord’s Prayer are underway to incorporate the changes.
Reporter: Brian Harvey