Millennials in Congregation Triggered When Pastor Quotes KJV

Church Life

Millennial attendees of Heart of the Master Bible Church in Boise, Idaho were shocked when their head pastor, Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke, quoted Psalm 23 from the King James Version of the Bible rather than the more palatable ESV.

One distraught millennial, Zachary Cartwright, demanded Pastor Richard’s immediate resignation. “There is no room in our city for such blatant prejudice and hatred. We are a safe, open and inclusive community which is why we must ban the King James Version from our houses of worship!”

Even the worship leader, who goes by the single name of Brophy, condemned the use of the KJV in the church. “I am shocked and appalled that someone who claims to extend the love of Christ to all would use such vile language from the pulpit. Not only is it misguided, but use of King James perpetuates an oppressive and patriarchal society that, quite frankly, I had hoped we had outgrown in the 21st century.”

Pastor Richard defended his use of the King James in a written statement to the congregation. “While I normally use ESV, I believe it is appropriate to use King James with some of the more familiar Bible passages. Millions of Americans have committed passages such as Psalm 23 to memory while using the King James Version over the last several hundred years. The wording in ESV, while similar, would be unfamiliar to a large percentage of our church family. In order to avoid confusion, I decided it would be best to use the version they are most familiar with.”

After the service, a large number of Millennials were seen marching in protest and holding signs. Some were screaming in anger while others chanted, “What do we want? ESV. When do we want it? Always!”

One middle-aged parishioner, Victoria Brisbane, was overheard talking to her husband, Arthur, during the protest march. “Where did they get those signs?”

Arthur responded by saying, “I’m not sure, but they’re Millennials, so they probably have a whole bunch of different protest signs in the trunks of their cars just in case they’re needed.”

An hour later, the protesters had moved on to Maple Street Methodist Church when they realized that church still used a denominational identity in their name.

Said Zachary Cartwright, “There’s no room in our city for such blatant prejudice and hatred. We are a safe, open and inclusive community which is why we must ban denominations from our houses of worship!”

Reporter: Jeff the Comma Head

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