Mormon Split: Church of the Latter Latter Day Saints formed

The Church of the Latter Day Saints (or the Mormons) have had their first church split following the discovery of the original golden tablets first translated by Joseph Smith.

The tablets were found during sewage works in Manchester, New York and Mormon archaeologist Eliza Benson studied the inscriptions.

“It appears that our founder took a rose-tinted view of the inscriptions and ended up with a more positive book of Mormon than is actually written.”

“According to our analysis of the reformed Egyptian language on the plates, they seem to contain mathematical problems.  Thus indicating that the faithful should be able to solve such problems in addition to the other requirements.”

The shock discover has led to the first split in the Mormon church – with some going for the new translation and others holding that Joseph Smith’s translation is the correct one as he had the spectacles found with the golden plates.

This new translation implies that no-one previously has been saved, whether Christian or Mormon, and thus only this new group possess the true religion.

Hence, they have named themselves, “The Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Latter-Day Saints” to emphasise their stance.

Our reporter asked Eliza where the golden plates were placed.  Eliza responded, “Smith returned the plates to the angel Moroni, but our finding them indicates that the angel could not be trusted in keeping them safe.  So after watching Terminator, we destroyed them in fire, to ensure that no-one else can translate them and create a Church of the Latter Latter Latter Day Saints.”

Reporter: John Spencer aka Not the Bible