New Evidence Suggests Israel Led into Battle by Handbell Choir

A single white, fuzzy glove preserved in tar on the plains of Moab has led archaeologists to their startling conclusion: the foremost troops of the Israelite armies may well have been a small handbell choir.

“It appears that rather than attempt to strike fear in the enemy by means of some forceful instrument like drums or trumpets, the Israelites might have gone another way,” explained Dr. Rube. “Just imagine a line of gently advancing handbell ringers in matching robes, jingling their brassy chimes overhead. Who could fire upon that? It would elicit such pity – even the Amalekites would have laid down their spears.”

What’s unclear is how these soldiers would have managed multiple bells without the requisite table in front of them. The Salty Cee spoke with one group of researchers now searching for evidence to support their hypothesis that there was also an accompanying line of “bell-bearers” who handed the ringers their bells as needed. These brave souls, of course, would have been required to walk backwards into battle. “If they existed, no other position in the entire legion would have required more faith.”

Reporter: Brian Harvey