Pastor rapture-proofs local church

The Vine Church has long been forward thinking in its approach to theology and its services, so we interviewed head pastor Clint Fox.

“We first realised that our services and meetings would be nothing if Christ didn’t turn up and so we just couldn’t take that chance.”

“So we redesigned them to be able to function even without the Holy Spirit.  At first we were worried because Jesus said, ‘without me you can do nothing’ but we’ve found we can quite happily sing some songs, read the bible, say some prayers and have a three point sermon when God is not present at all!”

“It was kinda relief to know.  So clearly Jesus’ statement must have been spiritual or allegorical or something like that.”

“But then we read about how people would be taken at the so-called rapture and realise that could mean the church would stop functioning altogether.  Well that would be unacceptable – as Jesus said he would build his church and the gates of hell would not prevail against it – so he would want it to continue no matter what.”

“So we took the radical step of rapture-proofing our services so they can continue regardless.  We did this by ensuring that key positions were filled by people who were committed to our little church but weren’t too bothered about that God stuff.”

“Now don’t get me wrong – they’re good, upstanding citizens of our little town and we’re more than happy to offer them employment on that basis.”

When we press Clint about his beliefs, he responded, “Well you kinda caught me there – can’t have no church without its pastor.  So I was chosen because I’m a firm believer that Jesus was a good man who showed how to live and I’m just doing my best to help people do that.  I mean if more people did that then the world would be a better place.”

Well, we at the Cee are convinced that the Vine Church will be completely unaffected by the rapture.

Reporter: John Spencer aka Not the Bible