Pastor Refuses to Get Another Face Tattoo

Church Life

Cleveland, Ohio – The line between being relevant and being recent, for pastors, has become somewhat blurry in this modern age, and Ronald Wayne Thompson, aka “Lil’ Ron,” is finally taking a stand. Lil’ Ron, the 53-year-old Lead Pastor of Brand-Spankin‘ New Church of Hipness, has said enough is enough this past week when his church board encouraged him to get another face tattoo.

Yes, you read that correctly. Another face tattoo.

“My whole body is starting to look like a desk from a High School study hall,” claims Lil’ Ron. “I’ve got over 94 tattoos, and 26 of them are on my face! What else do I have to do to grow our church?”

The only member of the church board who was willing to speak to the Salty Cee over this matter was Doug Phillips, aka “Grandmaster Pip Slam Diggy Dawgg,” aka “Old Dirty Board Member,” aka “Dougy Dog Phil,” and the 87-year-old held nothing back in his criticism of their pastor.

“When we hired pastor ‘Lil’ Ron,’ he had such a zeal to see the lost saved. Well, he’s up for an evaluation in 3 weeks and we’re going to have to really pray about how we move forward as a church.”

When asked how often the church preaches from an actual Bible, though, both board and pastor were united. “Are you serious? I can’t even find my Bible. I use an app with quotes from Chicken Soup for the Soul, and I let that nourish the congregation,” claims Pastor Lil’ Ron.

“The Bible is full of stories that offend and make people uncomfortable. We want people to know we love and accept them and hope God speaks to them, once in a while, when they’re here!” explained Grandmaster Pip Slam Diggy Dawgg, “You see, we read a verse from the Bible, the whole chapter of Psalm 23, actually, every Sunday. And we tell our congregation to listen, and they might hear God’s word!”

Update: Since the article was written, Pastor Ronald has gone back to being called “Just Ron” and resigned.

The board of the church has asked that we not request autographs from their new pastor, “Snoop FlameThrower” as he is an accomplished musician and author of several “seeker friendly” young adult novels.

Reporter: Crass Christian

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