Pastor Segues into Using Segway to Be More Relevant

LOS ANGELES (Where else, right?)—Pastor Neo Sparks of Lit Chapel has taken relevance to a new level. Skinny jeans were “so last year” according the hip pioneer who combines fashion, great music, and clever quips into what he calls “The ultimate positive gathering.” Trying to keep up with the ever-changing culture and engage them without actually looking like a Christian, Neo has added a new feature to the lineup at LC: a Segway. This has all his pastor friends wondering what they are doing wrong, when in years past they showed up with a Bible and a sermon from the Lord.

Sparks demanded that his assistant bookkeeper budget $14,284 for a pair of Segways just in case one quits during the service and he accidentally embarrasses God. As Pastor Neo segued from using the regular means of conducting a church service (by walking on his own), his Segway has allowed him to preach with more energy as he tells his massive congregation of over 37,000 that “faith is sometimes a necessary tool when your own independent wealth is compromised #NeoQuip.” Sparks makes the other health and wealth guys look like a bunch of homeless beggars as he boasts of 27 automobiles, 4 homes, 3 ATVs, a yacht, and now 2 Segways!

Pastor Sparks seems unconcerned about the gospel message as long as people keep the seats full for the award-winning televised service. He is always careful to thank his mentor and golf buddy Joel Osteen for investing so much of his money into his life. On the relevant meter, Neo gets a 10—on the doctrinally-correct meter, well, let’s just end on a good note by not sharing that information.

Reporter: Angry Nursery Worker