Pope canonizes teen as Patron Saint of Pwning Noobs

Billy Prilli was just fourteen years-old when he died playing video games, but his spirit continues to watch over us in the digital realm. Following two confirmed video game miracles, Pope Francis announced Billy will be canonized as the patron saint of pwning noobs.

Known to his digital friends as Sm0keW33D69, Billy was a popular online gamer. He first gained attention when a video of him earning a seemingly impossible  in Halo 3 went viral. His following grew and he became known for his trademark move of teabagging defeated opponents and saying “God bless you.”

Billy died after playing a perfect game of Gears of War and choked on his Cheetos in celebration.

Since then, his friends and family remember and pray for him during their own gaming. Miraculous digital feats and victories have since been attributed to Billy’s intervention.

Billy’s first official miracle happened last year in Jefferson City, Missouri. Twenty-three year-old Michael Andrews prayed for Billy’s help to win a ranked game of Call of Duty.

His character jumped and shot across the map. Andrews got a no-scope triple headshot, winning the game. Recorded video from his Twitch feed was sent to the Vatican, who immediately confirmed the miracle.

The second miracle was for Charles McIntyre of Dublin, Ireland who prayed for Prilli to guide his button mashing en route to defeating a tournament-level player in Super Smash Brothers. This would be unremarkable if Charles were not totally blind. The Vatican confirmed the intervention.

“May Saint Billy protect us in multiplayer mode. Catholics shall teabag noobs by his example,” said Pope Francis. “Now will you please help me finally beat Battletoads?”

Reporter: Richie Richards