Satan Outraged by Commercialized Halloween

Church Life

ST. LOUIS, MO—It’s happening again. Children dress up as dying leaves fall. Adults try on revealing costumes if they worked out during the summer and purposely decorate their houses with fake cobwebs to match the real spider webs indoors. Pumpkins and to a lesser extent other gourds tremble in fear at the prospect of evisceration.

But do people really understand the origins of Fall Fests and Harvest Parties and Haunted Hat Rides? That was supposed to read, “Hay Rides” but the spooky imagery of sitting in a rickety, tractor-drawn wagon surrounded by an assortment of headwear can’t be easily dismissed.

What’s at the root of all this?

Root vegetables such as sweet potatoes, rutabagas, parsnips, and other tubers completely ignored for the next three seasons?

Inquisitive tangents showing poor literary form instead of professional journalistic style?

Our crack team of investigative reporters claim that October 31 is at fault. Consumers spend more money on Halloween than even Christmas, but the true meaning of the holiday is lost in crass, commercialized capitalism.

No one takes more offense to this than the lord of darkness himself. In his opinion, at least winter has menorahs and nativity scenes to offset Santa and gender-neutral elves—how much effort is it to print “Happy Halloween” on a Starbucks cup or provide a gnarled oak for your local Druid? Enough with saying “Cheerful All Hallows Eve”. These watered-down messages look better suited for a junior high pep rally.

Without sincere effort to get past the trappings to the real meaning of the holiday, black cats can stray from their owners without fear of sacrifice as we near October’s end. So can goats, except in Greek neighborhoods. They’re never safe there. It’s not ok if only the faithful celebrate. Everyone must stop out of respect, but it’s probably best to keep moving. As the sweet saying goes, stalking is simply a long romantic walk only one person is aware of.

Reporter: Dripping Ether

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