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Steven Furtick Experiences Revival Due to Miracle of Modern Medicine

Church Life

Sources confirmed today that Steven Furtick suffered a loss of consciousness during a staff meeting at Elevation Church, earlier this week.

“He was sweating and slurring his words and he seemed to be short of breath when all of a sudden, his eyes rolled back in his head and he just sorta crumpled to the floor,” said one Elder Board member who was present at the meeting but wished to remain anonymous. “We immediately called 911 and laid him out on the table.”

The first responders on the scene immediately recognized that Pastor Furtick’s super skinny jeans were cutting off blood flow to his brain. “He regained consciousness within moments after we cut off his jeans as the blood could then flow freely,” said EMT Joshua Pardo. “When you’ve been on the job as long as I have, you learn to spot this sort of thing right away. That’s why we always carry a pair or two of sweatpants.”

Multiple elders of Elevation have reported that since switching those loose-fitting pants, Pastor Furtick’s theology has become transformed.

“Why, just yesterday, I saw him in his office with a Bible open in front of him and a stack of reference books with a copy of Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance right on top…and he was reading them!” said Pastor Furtick’s personal secretary. “Apparently, those tight fitting skinny jeans he always wore was cutting off blood flow so much that it affected his mental faculties, causing him to make wild and crazy pronouncements from the pulpit.”

Reporter: Jeff the Comma Head

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