Study Reveals Cannibals Prefer Protestants

After a comprehensive meta-study of cannibal feasts featuring Christian missionaries as the main course, researchers have declared, “Cannibals prefer Protestants.”

Dr. Stefan Dorsch, of Geistreich Institute of Baden-Baden, reported, “It’s definitive. More Protestant missionaries are eaten than their Catholic counterparts. Thus, it’s conclusive that aboriginal peoples with a penchant for eating their own species, prefer the former.”

One well-documented account was the 1878 massacre of four Fijian missionaries dispatched to Papua New Guinea by Rev. George Brown.

Brown wrote, “The natives who killed them did so for no other reason than to eat them.” In 2007, the Tolai tribe officially apologized for eating the Methodist missionaries. They said they have exercised far greater discretion and secrecy since that time.

Monseigneur Duncan Priestly of the Italy, Texas-based Papal Defense League immediately issued a press release challenging the findings. “The raw data is insufficient to substantiate this opinion. Unfortunately, too few missionaries were eaten to statistically validate any conclusion on the matter.”

The results of the research are not without their other critics. Dr. Heather Harmony of the Harmonic Spirituality Center in Dubuque, Iowa responded that, “We really shouldn’t pose this as a faith competition. If the same tribes had encountered Roman Catholic priests, they probably would have eaten them too.” She emphasized her ecumenical point with, “It’s just wrong-headed to suggest Protestants taste better than Catholics!”

Reporter: Robert Charlesson