Theological degree expertly qualifies student for fast food restaurant

Dear President Smithson,

You may not remember me but, it’s been ten years since I graduated from the Christian university that you currently preside over.

Wait a minute, what am I thinking? Of course you remember me! Anyone who attends a Christian college is never just a number to the faculty and staff. In fact, I can say that without a doubt you and all of your staff truly believed that I was attending your school because I was called by God and not one of you saw me as merely a number, or a walking dollar bill sign seeing as my student loan fees would soon be lining your pockets. That’s why no one mentioned that graduating with a theology degree might make finding work after college difficult as you knew that since God called me He would provide.

Oh, how I miss Smithson University! The Christian school in the middle-of-nowhere town with the best activities around. We had plenty of bland concerts, boring Friday nights with students who only wanted to study, the barely edible cafeteria food, and a Bible department with only four professors. I miss my school! And Mr. President, do not let anyone tell you that a school without a football team is not worth attending.

Forgive the flattery President Smithson, I seem to have gotten off topic. As I said before, it has been ten years since I have graduated from your university and it seems that God’s purpose for me is working in a fast casual restaurant. Whilst I know I’m making a real difference in people’s lives, I can’t help wondering if my degree is worthless and I took on an ocean of debt and wasted four years of my life for nothing!

Forgive the doubts, I know God is going to turn things around for me and my job situation soon, I just know it. This period of humbling is merely preparing my character before I enter the Christian ministry field.

I am in need of a favor from you, President Smithson. Seeing as God has blinded the eyes of employers throughout the world to the value of a degree from your prestigious (if somewhat obscure) college, I want you to give me an honorary degree.
I’m sorry to ask for an honorary degree instead of a real one well, but I cannot afford to pay for a new B.A. degree on my current salary (I also need to hurry up and finish this letter, seeing as I’m on French fries today). However, I know that people seem to take honorary degrees seriously. For example, Bill Nye’s degrees in actual science are honorary and people still take him seriously as a scientist.

Hence, I am hoping that you and Smithson University would pioneer the way by granting me an honorary B.S. degree in Flatulence. There is no doubt in my mind that degree will assist me in finding work even more so than my current degree I earned with your help.

Mr. President, I look forward to receiving it in the mail at your earlier convenience.

Thank you.

Your Former Student,

-Derek Shunless

Reporter: The lonely rogue