Twitter theological arguments: pre-booking now essential

Church Life

With the 1000% increase in the number of Twitter theological arguments raging, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey has unveiled a new feature to ensure arguments get heard. 

“The Twitter Arguments Booking System (TABS) plugs directly into our user feed algorithm.  This proprietary technology brings order to the previously chaotic approach to theological arguments raging day-to-day on Twitter and guarantees that every Christian gets the opportunity to wade in and give their opinion.”

We at the Cee are very excited about this as only in the last week there were theological arguments over whether David raped Bathsheba, whether John MacArthur was right telling Beth Moore to go home and whether Kanye was a real Christian or not.  With so much going on it was always hard to properly focus on demonstrating God’s loving correction by calling other Christians heretics and other ruder names best not published here.

Further, there were often so many theological arguments that some didn’t even appear on our feeds meaning that we missed out on the chance (or predestination depending on your stance) to give everyone else a piece of our mind.

Upon Jack Dorsey’s statement, Twitter share prices rose by 11% and Baptist committees everywhere declared Twitter to be their preferred social media.

Facebook has responded to this threat by saying they are working on “something similar but superior” but that didn’t stop their share price sliding as the number of Christians using their site dropped by 89%. 

Twitter recommends booking your argument using TABS as soon as possible to avoid disappointment.  Latest reports indicate that due to the popularity of this system that the earliest date available is already 2024.

Reporter: John Spencer aka Not the Bible 


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