Union Seminary accidentally teaches Bible: confesses to plants

Church Life

Union Seminary students confessed to plants on Tuesday after accidentally teaching the Bible.  

A spokesperson issued the following statement: “We thought that our focus on Mother Earth and pantheism was safe – but then someone pointed out that God spoke through a bush to Moses in Ex 3:4 and Jesus spoke to the fig tree in Mt 21:19.  We realised there and then that we had to apologise.”

The apology publicly Tweeted stated:

“Today in chapel, we confessed to plants.  Together, we held our grief, joy, regret, hope, guilt and sorrow in prayer; offering them to the beings who sustain us but whose gift we too often fail to honor.”

It was suspected that the root cause of this theological faux pas was caused by the subconscious bias of a number of students who watched VeggieTales as youngsters.

However, a number of people pointed out their hypocrisy in their apology after the plants apologised to had been ripped from the soil and held captive against their will in pots.

Union Seminary became America’s first independent seminary in 1893 when it split from the Presbyterian Church after the denomination tried to remove one of its professors for claiming the Bible is not inspired by God. 

Since then the seminary has gone from strength to strength.  Famous alumni Dietrich Bonhoeffer stated in 1939 that Union had “forgotten what Christian theology in its very essence stands for” and realised that returning to Nazi Germany would be preferable.  The Presbyterian church has since done a U-turn after seeing how woke the seminary had become and is quickly trying to mimic all of its beliefs.

Union seminary is going to play it safe in the future by talking about cheeseburgers which are definitely NOT in the Bible.

Reporter: John Spencer aka Not the Bible 


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