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Upgraded Communion Sponsored by Lunchables

Church Life

CLEVELAND, OH – When asked to ponder on our Savior’s sacrifice while partaking of Communion, most Christians struggle with intrusive thoughts such as “Why does this symbol of Jesus’ broken body taste like cardboard?” and “If I start tithing will they be able to afford Welch’s instead of this watered down raisin juice?”

At least, that’s what goes on at Second Baptist church—the one aptly located between Dollar General and Dollar Tree. 

Of course, the bread didn’t always appear in the form of khaki pellets most rodents would decline to eat or excrete, and wine wasn’t always served in tiny plastic cups better suited for church fellowship luncheons with Barbie.

Rather, as evidenced by St. Paul’s chiding to the Corinthians, Communion started as that most awkward type of potluck phenomenon: the one that happens every time at Second Baptist, where parishioners inhale the food or drink they brought to the party because it’s clearly the best.

Nobody wants the grocery store brand potato salad and apple pie—not when there’s casserole around.

Thankfully, the church board had the vision to compromise between the decadence and hunger of potlucks and the communion elements that taste like a post office.

Communion will now feature tasty snacks complete with spreadable cheese from Lunchables that many members haven’t tasted since elementary school.

Several variations are available, including the one with cutesy little deli meats.

If Nike and Coca-Cola can sponsor school athletic programs, surely Lunchables can sponsor Communion.

As an extra bonus, the board plans to roll out Mac ‘N Cheese from Kraft, the owners of Lunchables.

To further remind parishioners of Christ’s piercings for our transgressions, the juice will be contained in another Kraft product—Capri Sun juice. Those who cannot pierce the pouch are unworthy to partake.

Reporter: Dripping Ether

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