Dear Crass: An arminian and calvinist seek godly wife

Dear Crass

The following two letters were recently received, on the same day, with two different post marks confirming they were sent from two separate locations. The handwriting of the actual letters was remarkably different, yet the wording was almost exactly the same.

We at the Salty Cee have decided this is clearly divine providence, and thus have sought to profit off God’s hand in this odd situation. Both letters have been included, along with the replies I sent to the young gentlemen, respectively, in an effort to aid them in their search of their “one true love.”

Dear Crass, I’ve been praying for years that God would provide a wife for me, but I’m still single. I constantly deal with feelings of loneliness and sadness. What should I do? Sincerely, Calvinist in Cleveland

Dear Calvinist in Cleveland,

I am flattered you chose to ask me for my advice.

Please note that I give it freely and willingly to all who seek it, and am so happy you decided to reach out to me on this matter.

Is it possible that you are being too… picky?

Perhaps God has someone waiting on you, and He is waiting for you to accept the lucky young lady into your life?

Could it be that you are, even now, being drawn to the woman of your dreams, but you’re avoiding her because of some small detail you’re not quite sure about?

So what if she’s not your cookie cutter idea of a future mate? If she’s there and wanting to be a part of your life, why would you choose to avoid her?

To be clear, I’m not suggesting you lower your standards, but maybe it’s time to re-evaluate how you’re looking for a wife and pray that God bring along your future spouse in His timing, and give you a nudge in her direction, but you may have to make the first move!

Or just marry the first girl who will have you. That’s basically what I did.

Sincerely,

Crass

Dear Crass,
Please help. I’ve been praying for years that God would provide a wife for me, but I’m still single! I consistently deal with feelings of loneliness and sadness. What do you suggest I do?
Sincerely,
An Arminian in Amarillo

Dear Arminian, I am flattered God motivated you to send this letter to me. I believe it was destined to happen at some point or another, and once you’ve received my advice, you’ll always have my advice. But to the matter at hand, is it possible that you aren’t relying on God enough? Is it not likely that God has predestined you to be together, yet you’re not being patient with Him? Or could it be that you are, even now, being drawn to the woman of your dreams, but you’re avoiding her because you’re waiting on God to flash a neon light in the sky telling you she’s the one predestined to be with you? So what if she’s not your cookie cutter idea of a future mate? If she’s there and wanting to be a part of your life, how could you really avoid her? To be clear, I’m not suggesting you lower your standards, but maybe it’s time to re-evaluate how you’re looking for a wife and pray that God brings along your future spouse in His timing, and provide you with confirmation that she’s the one for you. Maybe even pray that God confirms it by letting Him make the first move! Or just marry the first girl who will have you. That’s basically what I did. Sincerely, Crass

dear-crass

If you would like Crass to give you a condescending and irreverent reply to your heartfelt questions then email DearCrass@saltycee.com.

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