Dear Crass: My father thinks he’s a Twitter sensation

Dear Crass,

My dad has over a thousand followers on Twitter. That’s great, but it gives him this silly idea he’s a Twitter sensation. I really don’t know what to tell him. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but his attitude has gotten out of hand. How do I give him a hint without being disrespectful?

Sincerely,

A Concerned Kid

Dear Kid,

The Bible tells us pride comes before destruction (Proverbs 16:18), and I have found this to be true.

What you must do is record your father dancing about the house, singing his normal “Twitter Follower” prance and song, and post it immediately to the internet, where he will no doubt be devoured by trolls and the like.

It’s only fair that you’d share this amusing spectacle, as I’m sure you’d understand that one person’s annoyance is another person’s humorous viral video.

Sadly, it could be the case that your father will refuse to repent, and pastoral/church intervention may be needed. Again, having video evidence you can point to would be preferable in this instance, as they can understand the situation from your perspective.

Another thing to remember is, Twitter is not real life.

While I, myself, am a created character made for the amusement of others, my follower count is not directly related to my creator’s self-esteem. He’s a handsome, secure, bearded, strong, humble, Christ-like man who seeks only to entertain others with a few fart jokes, mixed in with some crude church humor. At the end of the day, should Twitter burn to the ground, he’s going to be okay. Can your dad say the same thing? Probably not, because he sounds like a total loser, but hey, we don’t pick our parents, right?

If it gets worse, the only thing I could suggest is to either call Child Protective Services, or, hold out until you can move away to college, get married, and vow to never annoy your own kids in the same way.

I truly hope this helps.

Sincerely,

Crass