Dear Crass: People who use Father instead of a comma

Dear Crass

Dear Crass,

What do I do when someone used “Father” instead of a comma when praying.

For example: “Dear Father, I ask that you would Father just help the people Father…”

It makes me want to scream

Yours,

Frustrated in Fairfield

Dear Fairfield,

Dear, dear Fairfield, thank you Fairfield, for this letter of concern, bless you, Fairfield. You know what? I can see how that gets annoying.

How does one go about telling someone how they should pray? It’s something so personal, and yet, so obnoxious to those of us who clearly know the correct way to do it. For a question such as this, I turn to Jesus, who (lest we forget!) taught His disciples to pray, and clearly did so in the King James English, or so we are often lead to believe by that one deacon who always blesses the food before every potluck with a 15 minute prayer full of “thees” and “thines.”

One thing you can do is go to your brother/sister in private, and just ask them why they feel the need to do this – they likely don’t even realize they’re doing it as often as they are. If possible, record their prayers, and have them hear their own voices praying in such a ridiculous manner. If you’re successful, they’ll be too ashamed to ever speak to God again.

Another, less direct option would be to simply clear your throat every time you hear them say “Father.” Either they’ll get the hint, or they’ll pray for your cold. Either way, God is sure to hear and may cure them of their obnoxiousness or you of an oncoming sore throat. I see this as a “win/win” scenario.

Hope these options help, Fairfield. Oh, Fairfield, may you be blessed beyond all measure, Fairfield, and find, Fairfield, that God hears the prayers of your brothers and sisters, Fairfield, even if they make your ears bleed.

You’re welcome,

Crass