Dear Crass: What do I need to become a worship leader?

Dear Crass,

I’ll be graduating from Bible College with a degree in music in a few months. Tell me, as I search for a worship leader job, what should I consider to be the most important piece in my repertoire?

My hipster beard? A pair of ripped and faded skinny jeans? Should I get a tattoo with Hebrew lettering on my forearm? Or should I invest in a primo fog machine?

Signed,
Musician in Memphis

Hey Memphis,

First off, you have a degree in music and you think that’s going to qualify you for some worship pastor gig?

Brother, you are overqualified.

But, if that’s what you’ve been called to do, I’ll attempt to break down your letter and reply as best I can.

“What should I consider to be the most important piece in my repertoire?”

Well, the fact that you can properly use the word “repertoire” is most inspiring thus far, so you’ve got that going for you.

But it concerns me, if you’re properly using words, do you understand the challenges facing you as a worship pastor/music director? If you can properly use words, it might indicate you’re properly using Scripture and nobody expects that from their worship leader.

Next, you ask about the normal, stereotypical stuff a worship pastor is concerned about: the hipster beard, skinny jeans, and Hebrew tattoo.

The thing is, it sounds like you don’t already have a Hebrew tattoo, so your commitment to the cause is going to be called into questions immediately.

I mean, do you even care about the lost?

As for the smoke machine, the church that hires you should provide such a thing. It’s standard materials for you to do your job. Just like paperclips and sticky notes are essential for any office, a fog machine is needed for worship. How else are we expected to experience the glory of the Holy Spirit? That one is up to the church to provide not the worship leader.

As for the interview I recommend staying up all night playing Overwatch on the Xbox asking God to help you smite your enemies. Then you’ll be able to say legitimately that you were up all night praying.

You’re welcome.

Crass