5-Year-Old Boy Arrested for Impersonating a Police Officer

CHICAGO—While we all know that the windy city could use another cop or two, 5-year-old Barnett Fife is not the guy for the job. As he was trick-or-treating last October, he was confronted by the Deputy Sheriff and taken into custody.

When questioned about the reason for his choice of costume, the scared little boy nervously replied that his mommy had bought him the police outfit on clearance from K-mart and he loved pretending to be a police officer—he also noted that he wanted to be a policeman when he grew up. Isn’t that every little boy’s dream at some point?

When our correspondents tried to reach the Sheriff’s office, they told us that they were unavailable to comment, and well, that they just didn’t want to.

But we in the investigative reporting department at the Salty Cee have a hunch that the plastic handcuffs and plastic orange-colored gun may have made the Deputy suspicious that 5-year-old Barnett was in fact attempting to impersonate a police officer. He even had a police car (okay, it was a Hot Wheels toy, but you never know what a child is capable of).

After much crying for his parents and a bit of negotiating from Fife’s 6-year-old cousin who was dressed up like an attorney, the young man was able to be released and allowed to continue collecting candy—but they did keep his plastic badge which made him look more “official.”

Keep this in mind as you choose this year’s Halloween costumes and pick something uncontroversial like a Jeffery Epstein mask or an Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez wig.

Reporter: Angry Nursery Worker