We at the Cee have intercepted an actual letter from the Illuminati!
I bet you’re impressed by our investigative skills, but to be fair we thought it was a napkin until we saw the ink smear on our face.
Anyway, we digress.
Dear Brother Gerhard,
Greetings in the name of the Illuminati!
Progress continues on the western front. Our agenda’s movement is the only thing giving me peace as I live amongst this arrogant, pleasure driven Americans. If it weren’t for their double bacon cheeseburgers, I would have gone insane.
Which progress am I referring to? The yanks are scheduled to forget about their independence from British rule by 2030.
Our well-trained agents have already removed this historical event from their so-called history books. Now that their kids are ignorant, the rest is the history we want it to be as told by Instagram memes from our Russian agents.
Do not worry about their political leaders slowing us down. The conservatives continue to blame the liberals and the liberals continue to blame the conservatives. It is amazing what a little bribe money can do.
As for their libertarians, no one takes them seriously.
Soon brother, these people will have no idea that they escaped England and because of that, will not resist our tyranny. Half of them already think July 4th is just a day to light fireworks and cook burgers.
In just a few short years we will be walking down the streets of DC and best of all, no one will know that we are control. All the bacon double cheeseburgers and those quirky chocolate-covered pretzels we desire will be ours for the taking.
In supreme power,
We at the Cee are sure it means something important but we can’t figure it out.
Ooo, fire works and corn burgers!
Reporter: The lonely rogue