Bi-Partisan bill pushed through congress to declare Veganism a terrorist group

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The political divisions ripping congress and our country apart were briefly put on pause this evening by (H.Res.0152) – House Resolution declaring vegans as a terrorist group.

The motion that condemned the terrorist group overwhelmingly passed in this house and is expected to quickly pass through the senate with a super majority.  This is despite vegans themselves offering a radical solution to save animals and satisfy meat-eaters.

President Trump availed himself to comment publicly on the bill: “These (vegans) are bad, bad people…I am working on a deal with China that will allow us to deport these people for good!”

Former VP Joe Biden also had opportunity to inject his opinion on the subject: “Listen, these rascals are not to be messed with; I remember one time in my younger days I came across this character named Corn Pop, he was not a nice dude. In fact, he was so ruthless he hired Vegans to be the enforcers of his criminal operation!”

Public sentiment of Veganism has declined as a result of what is perceived as “vegan evangelism” in recent years.

A Psychologist and Cult expert explained to Salty Cee reporters that Vegan cults operate in small cell groups around the country. “There is no central authority, however there is a consistent type of thinking which permeates and infects the mentality of those who subscribe to its religious dogma.”

Symptoms include (Among other things): A false sense of dietary superiority, heightened sense of morality and constant need for positive social conformation and acknowledgement of their veganism.

One former member of a Vegan cult explained the problem as follows: “It started out (with me) just wanting to try the diet. But it didn’t stop there. I just surrounded myself with people who acted and thought the same way I did. Eventually, I just put myself into a bubble, shielding myself from the outside world. It came to a point where veganism has next to nothing to do with eating vegetables. It was more about making sure everybody else understood how woke we were. When people ignored us, that just made the problem worse, even violent”

Americans of all political persuasions are urged to be aware of the symptoms of veganism and alerting local authorities if you come across friends, family or co-workers exhibiting some or all of these characteristics:

S: Shallow

N: No Empathy

O: Ostracizes others

B: Bans Meat

Anti-terrorism police ask that you do not approach them directly but contact them immediately via this website.

Reporter: Tuthmosis


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