CEO shocks customers with honest COVID-19 email

Crap Company’s OFFICIAL COVID-19 STATEMENT / UPDATE

During this difficult time our company’s primary concern is to make more money and take more market share at the expense of other companies’ opting for cautious and “responsible” business practices.

We are deemed by the government to be a non-essential business but our leadership team disagrees: how else will we make money? Which is absolutely essential to maintaining the lifestyle we’re accustomed to.  So we have firmly decided upon a policy of staying open anyway.

Here are the precautionary measures we are implementing during the coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic:

Nothing.

That’s right. Zip. 

We’re doing everything exactly the same. In fact it’s truly business as usual here.

Corona what? COVID-13 or 15 or whatever, it makes not difference to us.

Our employees are still shaking each other’s hands when they greet in the morning, hugging each other during emotional moments of camaraderie at work, and sharing each other’s water bottles when thirsty and too lazy to go get their own. No hand sanitizer is allowed in the building. That stuff is nasty.

Please understand that running our business as usual approach isn’t due to a lack of planning but because we don’t care enough to do things differently.

During this time, we are also cutting staff and cutting corners and then blaming our poor customer service on this crisis as we know you’ll understand and be extra patient while we rack up more money.

PS We’ll still expect to be paid in a timely manner for whatever crappy products and services we do provide.

 Stay Dangerous and Snub Public Health & Safety,
Johnny Dangerously
Chief Executive Officer, Crap Company

Reporter: David S Smith