Crisis at Supernatural Weight Loss Conference

TUSCALOOSA, AL– Interest in Sister Prophetess Reverend Katie Sutherland’s Prosperity and Wealth Boot Camp has been waning.

While wondering what sort of conference could take the Boot Camp’s place, Sutherland couldn’t help but notice how quickly the five varieties of pasta and six different types of cheesecake were disappearing at the church potluck.

She could host an event about fasting, but the last time she preached about gluttony, the response at the next potluck was brutal–nothing but salad, vegan burgers, and gluten-free crackers with less taste than individually wrapped communion wafers.

She had her answer as a larger member of the congregation uttered a second prayer over the food at the arrival (and quick departure) of a bacon-crusted bacon pie. This was standard practice ever since the spoiled meatloaf incident of ’99, but phrases such as “negative calories” and “put a hedge of protection around my hips” piqued her interest.

She had been hearing more and more prayers about metabolism, digestion, and muscle to fat ratios. Miracles had been reported of pounds literally disappearing from faithful but fat believers, although some news outlets remain skeptical.

As long as Sister Sutherland had a Plan B for attendees to leave the Holiday Inn and Conference Center lighter than they arrived, it was a go. The room was already booked, after all.

Perhaps because of the advertisements at local buffets mentioning alternating cheese and chocolate fountains during breaks, every seat was filled to overflowing on the first day of the conference.

“I’ve been delivered from the root causes of my emotional eating!” proclaimed a member of the audience, while many others also testified of understanding patterns, reasons, and even family of origin issues that led to their current health problems.

To Sister Sutherland’s dismay, time neared for the first break without a single miracle reported of clothes suddenly becoming too baggy or other manifestations of instant weight loss.

She motioned to the hotel staff. They rolled away the chocolate fountain, leaving a pallet of water bottles in its place, and chained shut the doors to the conference room.

Scattered reports of Donner Party type activities remain unconfirmed, but when the doors were unlocked three days later, Sister Sutherland verified that every conference member still accounted for reported weight loss.

Reporter: Dripping Ether