Dear Crass: Do pets go to heaven?

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Dear Crass,
Do pets go to heaven?

My husband and I recently had to bury our dog, Mr. Pumpernickels, as he recently passed away. I know most people think animals don’t go to Heaven, even though there’s a cartoon starring Mel Gibson’s voice that clearly states otherwise.

I’m grieving, my little shmoo shmoo puggy wuggy bear was my world, and I miss him dearly. Please, can you confirm that my little buddy will see me again?

The husband tells me my little Mr. Pumpernickels became an idol and it’s time to move on, but I just need to be told, just once, that he’s waiting for me in Heaven. Please?

Sincerely,

Missing my Dog in Denver

Dear Denver,

Here at the Salty Cee, we care about our readers’ feelings. We also, thankfully, care about the facts. We’re not actual journalists, but we like to think we are sometimes, and frankly, facts don’t care about your feelings (Thanks Ben!).

I’m sorry to break this to you, but I see no Biblical evidence that our pets make it to Heaven. Let’s be honest here, ma’am, if you called your dog names like “my little shmoo shmoo puggy wuggy bear” and went so far as to actually name him “Mr. Pumpernickels,” it wouldn’t be heaven for him if he had to hear that for eternity.

I mean, he’s descended from wolves! But you probably fed him “organic grass fed vegan butter chow” or something.

Your husband is right, it’s time to let go.

Let that animal rest in peace and you need to get right with Jesus.

Your friend,

Crass

dear-crass

If you would like Crass to give you a condescending and irreverent reply to your heartfelt questions then email DearCrass@saltycee.com.

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