Dick and Janey discuss: equal rights for lefties in baseball

Today’s Topic: Equal Rights for Lefties in Major League Baseball

Announcer: Equal treatment for all is a fundamental principle of our Constitution. Baseball is supposed to be as American as apple pie. Serious questions have been raised about baseball’s fairness by the National Organization for Perfect Equality (NOPE). Yucky World talk show hosts, Dick and Janey, will be discussing this with NOPE spokesperson Lefty Wrightkowitz.

Janey: NOPE has just filed a class-action lawsuit against Major League Baseball for discriminating against left-handers.

Dick: Would you please explain your lawsuit to our viewers, Mr. Wrightkowitz.

Wrightkowitz: You can call me Lefty, Dick.

Dick: Alrighty, Lefty! Yuck! Yuck!

Janey: Now how did I know you were going to say that?

Dick: Extra-sensory perception?

Janey: Well, I guess smelling is a perception. What are the grounds for your case, Lefty?

Lefty: We’re suing Major League Baseball for the systematic exclusion of left-handed throwers from the positions of second base, shortstop, third base, and catcher. This is blatant discrimination and must not be allowed to continue.

Dick: Boy, it sounds like you’ve got a real good case there, Lefty.

Janey: I’m not so sure. It’s done because of the baseball diamond. You have to be able to throw right-handed to get the ball to first base the fastest.

Lefty: True, but that’s because the right-handers who started baseball set the game up backwards.

Dick: Backwards?

Lefty: How come you don’t run the bases clockwise. You deal cards clockwise. If you did run clockwise, you’d have to have left-handers at all of these positions.

Janey: Yeah, but horses and greyhounds run counter-clockwise.

Lefty: They can’t tell time.

Dick: I once saw a horse named Trigger tell time with his paw.

Janey: That’s hoof, Dick.

Dick: Whatever.

Janey: So, what do you want the courts to do, Lefty?

Lefty: We simply want reparations for now and equal justice in the future.

Janey: What kind of reparations are you talking about?

Lefty: For the next one hundred years we want baseball to be played with the players running clockwise to even out past injustices.

Dick: And when the hundred years are up?

Lefty: Baseball can switch first base with third base every other year.

Janey: I guess my great-great-great-grandson had better learn to be ambidextrous if he wants to play baseball.

Dick: Gee, Janey. Maybe they’ll find a cure for that before then.

Janey: Cure for what?

Dick: That disease, ambidextrous.

Janey: Dick, are you always out to lunch?

Dick: Only when I have a hot dog at the ballpark. By the way, Lefty, as a left-hander, I’ve got a pet peeve of my own.

Lefty: What’s that?

Dick: Toilet paper.

Janey: Toilet paper?

Dick: Yeah, toilet paper! What are we going to do about toilet paper?

Janey: Huh?

Dick: You know, toilet paper in public restrooms. It’s usually on the side for right-handers.

Lefty: We’ll get working on that right away, Dick.

Dick: Great! Then I won’t have to carry my own paper anymore! 

Recorder: Chuck Rivetto