Joel Osteen’s TelePrompTer Broke – what happened next will leave you in tears!

Tragedy struck Lakewood Church in Houston this weekend as Lead Pastor Joel Osteen’s TelePrompTer broke just before he stepped onstage, forcing him to make up an entirely new sermon on the spot.

“I was really impressed with Joel’s improvisational skills,” said sound guy Alan “Dutch” Schaeffer.  “Without any lead time whatsoever, he nailed it!”

Elder Billy Sole admitted he was concerned, at first.  “Since Joel’s Bible knowledge seems to be limited to buzzwords, I was worried.  At first, he just stood there with that deer in the headlight look.  But something deep inside him took over, he looked straight at the camera, smiled that million watt smile of his, opened his mouth and started preaching from the heart.  I almost cried.”

For the next 30 minutes, Pastor Osteen waxed eloquent about unpacking scriptural-sounding phrases, doing life together, life struggles, “messy” living as well as brokenness and healing, all while mixing in his standard lines of God desiring to bless everyone, God’s Favor and your best day is now.

Regular attender Anna Gonsalves said it was probably the best sermon she had ever heard.  “It really touched my soul, you know what I’m saying?  I mean, Pastor Joel always reaches deep into my heart with his uplifting sermons, but this one was his most powerful, yet!”

Unfortunately, not everyone in the audience was impressed.  Conservative evangelical Al Dillon noticed that while several scriptural-sounding phrases were used in the message, not a single actual Bible verse was uttered.  “The closest Osteen came to using a real Bible verse was when he tried quoting Philippians 4:13, ‘You can do all things through the blessings that God wants to give you.’”

After the service, Pastor Osteen said, “I confess I wanted to give up when the TelePrompTer went blank but I knew that the show must go on!  These people paid good money to be entertained and I wasn’t about to let them down.”

According to a source on the Lakewood Elder Board who wishes to remain anonymous because they’re not authorized to speak to the press, the malfunction was caused when a stagehand inadvertently unplugged the TelePrompTer while looking for a place to plug in Pastor Osteen’s mousse warmer for his personal hair dresser prior to the morning service.

Reporter: Jeff the Comma Head