Meteorologists shocked as Autumn starts a month early!
Meteorologists were shocked to discover that Autumn (or Fall for our American readers) has begun over a month early.
“The 2019 Autumnal equinox is Monday 23 September,” said Gail Storm at the London MET office, “however we usually start it on 1 September so there are three months for each season. But we have received multiple sightings of Autumnal produce in Starbucks, Dunkin’ Donuts and 7-eleven.”
It’s true, 7-Eleven started offering pumpkin spice latte and fresh-brewed pumpkin-flavoured coffee on 13 August, whereas Dunkin’ Donuts plans to introduce their signature pumpkin-flavoured latte with cinnamon and sugar, with its new apple cider doughnuts on 21 August – but eight Dunkin’ restaurants offered a sneak preview on 14 August.
However, most meteorologists look to Starbucks as the better guide to the seasons. Employees reportedly revealed on social media that its Pumpkin spice lattes will return to the menus on 27 August, with an early release on 22 August.
Gail added, “If we examine the trend we can see that Starbucks pumpkin spiced latte release has gradually become earlier and earlier and this year will mark the earliest Autumn yet. The evidence is clear – the seasons are changing.”
Immediately, Millennials seized on this as evidence of global warming – until it was pointed out that this phenomenon would actually imply the opposite. After a brief pause they then sought to blame President Trump’s racist policies for scaring away summer.
John MacArthur who has publicly condemned pumpkin spiced communion gave this theological explanation to the changing seasons, “It was only a matter of time where this depraved generation who seek to choose their own genders began to do the same with the seasons. What we see now is Creation crying out to be liberated from its bondage and decay which is epitomised by this ‘pumpkin spice’ chemical concoction that is an abomination to the LORD!”
It is rumoured that John Hagee will be releasing another book on when the apocalypse really is based on the rise of these lattes rather than on the less reliable blood moons.
Reporter: John Spencer aka Not the Bible