Military to use viewing impeachment trial as interrogation technique

After 3 years, 4 months, 17 days and 6 hours, the opening arguments for President Trump’s impeachment trial have finally concluded and the trial proper has begun.

The initial interest in watching the proceedings quickly waned and television networks have shifted the highlights to their 3-5 am “graveyard” slot which has been hailed as a “miracle cure” for insomniacs around the globe.

Pity the poor senators who are present as they have worked hard to stay awake through the impeachment trial with tools such as fidget spinners, intravenous caffeine injections and small electro-shocks delivered via their seat when they become comatose.

However, the military has been quick to see the potential of the trial as part of its “enhanced interrogation techniques”.  Corporal Punishment from the US Army said, “Since the backlash against us for using waterboarding and other techniques when interrogating terrorists at Guantanamo Bay, we have been struggling to fill the gap but this trial is a gift!”

“Forcing inmates to watch it has already seen multiple confessions of terrorist activities and their contacts after only 20 minutes of watching the opening arguments.”

However, the CIA have reported the downside of using this technique: “We’ve found that even innocent people are confessing federal crimes to just to make it stop.”

Reporter: John Spencer aka Not the Bible