No deaths attributable Brett Kavanaugh Syndrome (BTS)…yet!
It’s been three weeks since Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh was sworn in. But frustratingly no deaths have been attributable to him…yet.
After bitterly protesting for weeks and angrily predicting that Justice Kavanaugh’s appointment would result in millions of deaths, activists for a variety of liberal political groups were shocked to discover that local and federal agencies have yet to report a single death resulting from his tenure.
According to CDC spokesman Todd Harriman, “To date, we have not seen any reports of deaths attributed to BKS (Brett Kavanaugh Syndrome). ”
The Surgeon General’s office issued a statement saying, “The immense death toll predicted by opponents of Justice Kavanaugh’s nomination has simply not materialized. It appears that, for the moment at least, we are safe.”
Unable to believe the official reports, some activists are reportedly accusing the federal government of a coordinated cover-up. “Our predictions weren’t wrong. People have been dying every day. Every! Day! The Trump administration is engaged in a massive conspiracy to suppress the truth of BKS,” said one Antifa spokeswoman who requested anonymity due to fears the President might order her arrest and incarceration at a government-run concentration camp.
While the reports do not list any deaths resulting from the contentious nominee, CDC spokesman Harriman did caution, however, that they couldn’t rule out the possibility of future deaths resulting from Justice Kavanaugh’s appointment. “There is a very real risk that activist’s heads might explode now that our report has been published. I would caution all Americans to maintain a distance of at least 10 feet from any protesters for the immediate future, just to be safe.”
Reporter: Jeff the Comma Head