Pensacola bridge destroying barge actually magical narwhal!

Pensacola, Florida: Penscola Bay Bridge (or 3 mile bridge as it is length-wise known) was damaged when construction barges owned by Skansa Southeast came loose during hurricane Sally.

While officials are already looking to file class action and individual lawsuits against Skansa Southeast, the true story of what happened is only now coming to light:

Skanska wants to be a predator, zooming along the ice floes of the Arctic, striking terror in the heart of seals and penguins.

But penguins are only near the South Pole.

Don’t tell Skanska, because she’s already sad.

She envisions herself as an aquatic unicorn of sorts, but Skanska is a plain old construction barge with a pointy crane on top. If you put a bulldozer or other construction equipment in the water by itself, it will sink.

That’s where Skanska comes in.

She is a free-range barge, but that’s probably a bad idea.

Undoubtedly there’s a spiritual lesson here about what happens in life when you cheerfully float about without a sense of purpose or direction.

Apparently, hurricanes provide direction for those who’ve failed to take refuge in time.

Like a fairy godmother named Sally turning rags into a beautiful gown, the wind and waves start transforming Skanska!

Her wish is coming true!

She feels free and powerful and beautiful and—CRUNCH!!!

Reporter: Dripping Ether