Politically Correct and Socially Acceptable Christmas Songs
Here at the Salty Cee, we’re nothing if not politically correct.
We are totally woke!
We are so woke, we never sleep!
And if you’re asking yourself, “Self…how can I know for sure that the Salty Cee is politically correct?”
Well, consider this: Antifa has NEVER marched in protest around our office. They’ve never slashed our tires or set fire to our cars or used foul language while calling us unmentionable names on social media or thrown Molotov cocktails at our office…well, you get the idea.
Also, PC…the Salty Cee? It rhymes, so it must be true. (Take that, other satirical Christian websites that use a play on words with other letters of the alphabet!)
Why do I bring this up, you ask? Why do I feel compelled to present our liberal, PC bona fides? Because just like you, we’re sick and tired of the oppressive, racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, bigoted genre of Christmas music. I’m sure you’ve seen the stories of various radio stations banning, “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” because of the song’s subtle and tacit approval of date rape,
(Hey, Mr. Male Singer, no means no!) but merely banning the offending songs doesn’t go far enough. That’s right, we’re so cool, hip, with-it-now here at the Salty Cee, that we believe that in order for society to progress to the next (i.e., non-bigoted) level, we need to change these songs into something more current and up to date in the #MeeToo era.
To that end, the writers of the Salty Cee all got together this weekend and rewrote some of the more offending songs. Our fearless leader, Not the Bible, had a hard time keeping us all on track as the day wore on, mostly due to Angry Nursery Worker’s “special” cough medicine. No one really knows what’s in her medicine (all she would say is that it’s an old family recipe,) but as Dr. Parson Peeves said, “Who cares?”
After his second cup of Angry’s medicine, Furious Christian started ranting about what’s wrong with politics, which started an argument with Crass Christian as they tried to one-up each other with the worst examples they could think of.
Of course, Northworst Seminary stayed above the fray and offered to give both of them an honorary MDiv if they would just, “…shut up for 5 minutes!” because he had a splitting headache. While all this was going on, Dripping Ether was busy taking notes…not because he was the group secretary, but the arguing gave him an idea for a new dinner theater play.
Meanwhile, your intrepid reporter (me) was busy writing new lyrics for old songs, something I’ve had 24 years’ worth of experience (thanks Tim and Willy!) Forthwith and without any further adieu, here is your list of new Christmas songs, sure to be praised for all of eternity for their inclusive and inoffensive lyrics:
- Baby, It’s Cold Outside, Why don’t You Let Me Call You an Uber?
- Frosty, the Non-Patriarchal, Non-Cisgendered Snow Person
- The Happy Holidays Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire)
- I Saw Mommy Give Santa Claus a Side Hug after They Both Verbalized Consent
At this point, we realized that perhaps there’s such a thing as too much Political Correctness when we substituted Caucasian for White and Holiday for Christmas and realized what a horrible nightmare dreaming about something like that would be.
Well, we’ve got the ball rolling, now, get out there and write your own completely non-offensive and politically correct holiday songs! Just like Country Superstar, Brad Paisley!
Reporter: Jeff the Comma Head
Where even the worst satire floats 
