President Trump Surrenders to Justice Department
The nation’s capital was rocked to its core this morning when the Attorney General issued a statement saying that President Trump had surrendered to Justice Department attorneys and signed a confession admitting to collusion with Russia in the run up to the 2016 presidential election nearly two weeks after the end of the Mueller investigation (which the Democrats immediately wanted investigating for collusion).
“President Trump willingly surrendered to the US Attorney for the District of Columbia, Jessie K. Liu, whereupon he presented Ms. Liu with a signed confession that he had colluded with the government of Russia to illegally apprehend the presidency,” said Attorney General William Barr at a hastily arranged news conference.
Mr. Barr further stated that he did not know why Mr. Trump had suddenly decided to turn himself in after spending so much time decrying the Mueller investigation as a, “witch hunt.”
Several hours later, at a press briefing held at the White House, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders explained the President’s decision. “The President and his most ardent supporters have spent every single day for the past 2 years convincing the American public that Director Mueller’s report was a witch hunt that couldn’t be trusted. In essence, the President was convinced that the final report would be a complete and utter lie. Since Director Mueller reported there was no collusion – and since everything in the Mueller report is a lie – the only logical conclusion is that there WAS collusion.”
“The President takes his constitutional duties as the chief law enforcement officer very seriously,” added Ms. Sanders, “and has acted accordingly by turning himself over to the Justice Department for prosecution. The President hopes we can finally put this entire matter behind us and come together as Americans for the good of the country.”
As is his custom, Director Mueller remained silent when questioned about the latest developments in this case, but several of his closest aides reported that a slight, sly smile appeared on his face while watching the White House Press Secretary’s explanation for the President’s change of heart.
Reporter: Jeff the Comma Head