Study Reveals All Stories on Satirical Websites Are False

After reports surfaced that a reporter for German news magazine Der Spiegel admitted that over a dozen stories written by him were false, scientists from the Institute for Research published a study that  concluded all stories on satirical websites are false.

Institute spokesman Jed Thomas held a news conference on Saturday.  “Whenever you read a ‘news’ story on a funny, satirical website like The Onion or The Salty Cee or even the moderately humorous The Babylon Bee, you can be sure it’s #FakeNews (that’s ‘fake news’ for those that don’t understand the modern hash tag lingo).  Furthermore, our research shows that the falsity of these stories is intentional.”

According to Mr. Thomas, “All – and I want to emphasize the word, ‘all’ – stories you read on these sites are fake.  If you’re reading this article on one of these websites, then it’s fake…which really means that all articles are true…but if the article is true, then that means it’s fake…but that means it’s true…but…but…arghhh, my brain!”  The Institute for Research then ended the new conference and Mr. Thomas was transported to a local hospital for observation.

The Salty Cee reached out to the websites in question for a response to the charges that they intentionally publish untrue stories.  Although The Onion was closed due to the partial US government shutdown and was unable to provide a response, the publisher of The Salty Cee, John Spencer, admitted that he was unable to verify, “…some, most or all of my reporter’s stories” since he lives in England and all of his reporters live in America.  But he eventually agreed that it was “likely” given that he met them all on the Twitter, which is a social media channel know to be used by Russian fake news bots.

The Babylon Bee responded by issuing a cease and desist letter from their in-house counsel, Dewey Cheatham & Howe.

Reporter: Jeff the Comma Head