The Salty Cee guide to setting New Year’s resolutions

Are you having trouble choosing a New Year’s Resolution?

Feeling anxious about starting a new chapter in your life without an arbitrary promise to get better without any accountability on the matter whatsoever?

Can’t convince someone in the family to mind their own business?

Rest assured dear reader, with this handy guide you will have a top New Year’s Resolution in mind and be ready for 2020!

Step 1: Choose a Resolution That Can Never Be Accomplished

Make being like Jesus your New Year’s Resolution, He was without sin and you will never be able to do that, so you’re all set!

Step 2: Make Your Resolution a “Do More” One

Don’t pick a resolution like losing weight or having an effective prayer life. Instead, say you resolve to lose more weight or to pray more often. Should you lose one gram more or pray once more than last year (which was pretty low to start with) then, you have been successful.

This works especially well if you gained weight last year – as gaining less weight this year is effectively losing more weight according to 3 out of 4 mathematicians.

Step 3: Resolve to “Help” Those Who Cannot Speak

Ever wonder why celebrities offer to help the animals while ignoring us humans? This is solely because the animals can’t complain verbally. Resolve to “do more for the (insert animal of your choice)” as your resolution, and no complaints must mean that they’re happy with your effort. Especially those turtles that everyone loves.

Step 4: Choose 5 Resolutions

Out of the five that you do end up choosing, you are bound to be successful on at least one of them, right? Most resolutions are abandoned by January 10 anyway but the fifth one is likely to remain.

And whatever you do, do not tell anyone that you actually have five resolutions, this is so you can claim the fifth one was your plan all along.

If someone does find out about your multiple resolutions, deny it and ask them how their resolution to have a better memory is coming along.

Here’s to 2020, fellow resolvers…resolutioners…revolutioners?

Reporter: The lonely rogue