Translators work furiously on new Corona Virus Version (CVV) of the Bible
NEW YORK, NY—Bible experts, pastors, and Hebrew & Greek Scholars who have been forced to abandon their gatherings at seminaries and churches, have begun a daily web conference to work feverishly on creating a new Corona Virus Version (CVV) of the Bible.
“I can’t think of a more relevant word for today than the new CVV we’re working on,” said Hebrew scholar Moses Rifkin in a phone interview. “We’re hoping to reach people in this time of need with a truth that will speak poignantly to the anxiety and worries of our time. And besides, we’ve got nothing better to do while stuck at home all the time.”
Other members of the larger translation committee corroborated the COVID-19 pandemic has caused them to rethink traditional Bible application and interpretation.
When determining where to start, consensus was reached that women taking care of their homes (Titus 2), where everyone is now forced to spend time, would be the greatest initial audience impacted by the CVV.
Therefore, the translators decided to first tackle Proverbs chapter 31:10-31. Here is an initial draft hot off the translation presses, acquired exclusively by Salty Cee reporters.
Who can find a virtuous infection-free wife?
For her worth is far above toilet paper.
Her hand-sanitized husband safely trusts her; so he will never get the virus.
She empties the grocery store shelves all the days of the pandemic.
She seeks paper products, and willingly works with essential oils to bring her homemade hand sanitizer recipe to the merchant ships while maintaining social distancing protocols.
She ships her food from Amazon to avoid any added social contact.
She also rises while it is yet night to keep tabs on the COVID-19 infection statistics in various states and countries.
And provides food for her household because all the restaurants are closed.
And fires her maidservants since, who knows, they might be carriers!
She considers stock in Scott Paper Company and buys it.
From her profits she increases her homemade hand-sanitizer production quotas to meet demand.
She perceives that her essential oils and alcohol content are both good.
She girds herself with a stylish N95 mask.
And her internet connection does not go out by night.
She puts her hand to the spindle to make cloth in case paper products do end up running out.
She extends her hand to wipe horizontal surfaces that are in need of daily doses of disinfecting.
She is not afraid of visitors to her household, for all her household is also clothed with N95 masks…but turns them all away anyway, just to be extra safe.
Her husband is known in the news for selling toilet paper on the black market as he sits among the preppers of the land.
Paranoia and precaution are her clothing; she shall rejoice when the time of COVID-19 has come and gone.
She opens her mouth with wisdom for how to prepare for catastrophes and on her tongue is the fine print within the governor’s “shelter-at-home” laws.
She watches over the driveway of her household to shoo away any and all visitors.
And does not wash her hands with idleness but with THREE Happy Birthday recitations.
Her children rise up and call her blessed and Corona-free.
Her husband also, and he praises her: “Many preppers have done well, but you excel them all.”
CNN is deceitful and Trump is passing, but a woman who fears the LORD and COVID-19, she shall be praised.”
At the time of this article’s publication, the CVV translators are currently deciding what to translate next, whether the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse or Jesus feeding the 5000. Hopefully there will be more preliminary CVV translation releases in the coming days.
Reporter: David S Smith
This article is one of over 60 stories/passages from “The Coronavirus Bible”.
Available as an ebook to raise money for charity.