Turkey’s thanksgiving COVID plot exposed!

Last year, thanksgiving celebrations were curtailed due to ANTIFA protesting against white meat supremacists.  This year COVID lockdowns have meant that thanksgivings all over America have had to be cancelled or restricted.

“It’s no coincidence that the Puritans first thanksgiving in 1621 was after an epidemic wiped nearly half of the colonists out,” said CDC’s Erin Sauber-Schatz, “it would be premature to celebrate thanksgiving when COVID is still sweeping this nation.”

Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot immediately called on her citizens to cancel Thanksgiving plans and stay at home, “It would be hypocritical to celebrate Thanksgiving for being delivered from disease while eating food without masks and mingling with other people who could be infected!”

Philadelphia officials ordered a ban on “indoor gatherings of any size in any location, public or private.” City Health Commissioner Thomas Farley said, “A celebration where a turkey is killed is hardly sensitive at this time when so many are dying.”

However, with the FBI having more time on their hands after recently dropping their investigation into the 2016 Trump-Russia collusion, they noticed a series of unusual payments from turkey farms across America to the WHO, the CDC and elected officials.

Further investigation indicated that turkeys had somehow caused these payments by pecking phones.

“It seemed funny at first, but when we saw this repeated in turkey farms across the country we became suspicious.  It appears that a number of officials had received payments to prevent thanksgiving from taking place,” said an FBI spokesman.

Despite taking a number of turkeys in for questioning, the FBI is still no closer to discovering the motive.

Reporter: John Spencer aka Not the Bible