UN Declares First Super Villain: inventor of toy without on/off switch
New York, NY – Members of the U.N. came together yesterday and concluded the existence of one ‘super villain’.
After years of research and interviews, many evil persons have achieved the title of villain, but only one man has achieved the title of super villain, Hans Von Schubersmit.
What has driven an international committee to come to this conclusion? Was it genocide, nuclear armament, or voting for Trump?
No, this man was cited as the first person to create toys without on/off switches.
Loved by his community, Schubersmit was a master of efficiency and frugality, constantly giving advice to the local engineers and tinkerers. He was an avid toy maker, working tirelessly to create a cheap, indestructible toy and his dream came true August 13, 1954, when Schubersmit built his namesake, the ‘Baby Cries A Lot’.
This was cited by the U.N. as the first attack against humanity. Schubersmit introduced 15 toys into his small community causing the mental breakdown of 28 parents within a 3 week period.
The father from one family, the Frankfurts, had this to say, “We bought the toy hoping our daughter would be excited, but it wouldn’t shut up, ever. I would lay my daughter down for a nap and that devil’s tool would turn on randomly waking her up! Every time! Like it had a mind of its own”
The 16 other families who were interviewed struggled to string a coherent sentence together between their bouts of weeping and gnashing of teeth.
Schubersmit continued his reign of terror throughout the modern world, giving advice and spreading his malice to Mattel, Hasbro, and LEGO, amongst others.
Though the deliberation was unanimous, the U.N. also had other considerations, such as the company who never included instructions, the inventor of the blind bag toys, and the creator of Calliou.