Weight watchers rebrands to something more Orwellian

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Weight watchers has rebranded itself to the catchy 6 syllable WW (unless you’re uncouth and pronounce it ‘wuh wuh’). 

At first, the Salty Cee was confused.  Does “double u” refer to the fact that you get twice your original size while others watch and mock?  But apparently, they are now “Wellness Watchers”.

CEO Mindy Grossman (an unfortunate surname for someone in the slimming business) had this to say:

“For years we have been limited to just watching weight but with technology, we can now monitor our participants’ behaviour in many other areas too.  With our patented “Fat Bit” we are able to examine people’s exercise levels and even their thoughts.”

“No longer are we limited to the ‘scales of shame’ to scare people once a week.  This wearable allows us in real time to chastise people for their lack of exercise and for even thinking fat thoughts. This fear of big brother will inspire people to live healthier lives.”

Insiders report that the deluxe Fat Bit 4000 also delivers a small electric shock whenever the wearer sits down for too long or thinks about donuts.

Reporter: John Spencer aka Not the Bible

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